Dream Cast

Like everyone, on occassion someone from my past will appear in my dream, some more than others.  Maybe an old friend, a current friend, someone I used to crush on, etc...  Standard, right?  But what do you do when you wake up from your dream feeling like a stalker?  There is an acquaintance of mine, someone I liked at one time in my life, but it was a very long time ago.  I do not look at him now as a romantic interest, we have very little in common.  And yet, for the past 10 years or so this person had made appearances in my dreams on a monthly basis, often a few times per month.  It has gone on for so long that I started to just pass it off as the norm.  He rarely plays a big role in the dream,  he is just someone who happens to be present.  I figured he represented a part of my past and left it at that, in order to not feel like a psychopath.  And then I had a dream that included members of his family. People I have seen before, but never really met.  And then I REALLY felt like a pyscho. 

I keep wondering why of all the men I have liked in the past, this is the one who breaks into my dreams so frequently.  We have had very little interaction with one another, especially in the past few months.   The creepiest part of him appearing in my dreams: I kind of like him there.  

Does this make me a creeper? 

Logic

So, I had been seeing a guy for a while and got distracted, but that ended about a month or so ago.  Before I became exclusive with him I had been talking to another gent.  About 3 weeks ago we reconnected and have been spending hours a day on the phone (one day for 4 hours!).  We had a date scheduled  for this past Saturday, but he cancelled for family reasons.  We continued to talk all weekend though.  He told me about his past, which included many run ins with the law as a child, up until the age of 14.  Yesterday I thought to ask him if he had ever been arrested.  Later he told me that I had only asked him that because he was black.  I was dumbfounded!  I will not repeat the kind of trouble he got in as a child here, but given all he had told me this reaction was utterly rediculous!  I asked him "Is it more logical that I asked you that because of everything you told me about your past, or because you are black?"  He went off on "woah is me" rampage about being black and I don't know what it's like.  Don't get me wrong, I know there are racist people everywhere.  And I may not know what it feels like to be judged by color, but I know what it feels like to be judged!!!  I tried to explain all of this to him, but he wouldn't hear it.  I told him he was basically calling me racist, but he said he wasn't.  I explained I had dated other black men and none of them seemed to have such a problem with the world, in regards to their race. It probably has a lot to do with his upbringing, why he sees the world the way he does.  The part that pissed me off was that after he said that to me he ignored me the rest of the night.  We had a phone date, I tried to call, he wouldn't answer.  After thinking about it more I realized even more how rediculous his reaction was.  Asking him if he had ever been arrested after him telling me at least 3 stories about his run ins with the law seemed pretty logical to me. And here I was trying to give the guy a chance, despite his past.  Where was the logic in that?

Mind-reading

Do you ever wish you could know what someone was thinking?  I guess it is a double-edged sort, because we definitely don't want to know what everyone is thinking all of the time.  But there are those times where it would come in quite handy.  I think, though, about others being able to read my thoughts.  Being the most indecisive person in the world, it would definitely not be a good thing.  Especially in the dating world.  Yet, I only say what I mean, and am always upright and honest with a person.  Why can't everyone be like that?  People worry about hurting other people's feelings, but as I've said before and will say again, I would rather someone be honest and hurt me a little, then be dishonest and hurt me a lot.

Hockey Tickets

So this guy texts me today asking me if I can use his Bruins tickets this weekend.  My first thought was "Who the hell is this unknown person texting me?"  My second thought was "Ooohhh hockey game!?"

Come to find out, I was not the person he meant to text, however he did appreciate my interest in hockey.  We got to talking.  Come to find out he lived in Salem, NH and worked in Exeter, NH.  I live in Exeter, so I thought "Wow, what are the odds?"  My coworker said "Oh, serendipity."

Now lately, I've been viewing serendipity has been a load of crap. (Yes, I know I'm bitter.)  However, the second she said it I thought "Wouldn't it be funny if..."  Our texting continued even to the point where we each shared a photo.  He was very attractive. All was going well.  It was a friendly conversation.   I was being 100% platonic and then I get the dreaded text "Wanna see naughty pics."  I didn't even feel he deserved a response.  Luckily, I only got one more text from him after that: "...."

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!  Are there really many girls out there who would have said "Sure."  If  so, do women have any respect left for themselves?  And furthermore, are there really that many men in the world who have no respect for women?! 

Outside of my family, I can only think of a handful of men that I feel are truly respectful. 

Sad.

To anyone following the blog, I'm sorry! The blog should be up again within the next few months.

The Lady Downstairs

Anyone who knows me is aware that I am a very friendly person.  I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt before I label them mental.  This should be a good quality, however it causes me a lot of grief!

An example of this is the woman downstairs...

A woman moved in below me about 2 weeks ago.  60 years old, talkative, breast-cancer survivor.  Upon our first meeting, she asked me if I would like for us to hide keys for one another to check on eachothers another cats if need ever be.  RED FLAG!  I found this odd, and of course did not agree, I just kind of brushed it off.  I figured, however, that I shouldn't just jump to conclusions about her.  She invited me down to her apartment last weekend and  we had pizza delivered.  We talked for a few hours, we swapped stories about our Eurpean travels.  She told me she used to work  in education, that she was on disability now and that her car had broken down.  I told her if she ever needed a ride anywhere to let me know.  She mentioned maybe going to the grociery store together Wedensday night.  I didn't really need to go to the grociery store, but I said sure.  She came over the next night to ask me if we were still on.  I said yes.  She stressed that if I couldn't drive her it was  no big deal, that she could take the bus.  Late that night I remembered that a friend of mine was coming over for a visit the next night (Wed. night).  I had her cell phone #, we had texted on occassion, but it was late and I didn't want to wake her.  She had left notes at my door before, so the next morning I left her a note apologizing.  I even said that I was going to the store on my lunch break and could pick anything up for her if she needed.  She later text me that she got my note and not to worry about it, to have a fun time.  The next morning outside my door there was a note from her...  One of the most rediculous notes I have ever read.  I felt like I was back in highschool!  "I no longer want to be acquainted with you, if you are going to ditch your female friend for a guys company then don't expect to keep any friends..."  This not was double-sided!!

She put off many red flags, but I had kept on ignoring them.  Maybe because I felt bad for her living down there all alone with no one to keep her company.  Maybe I thought I was being judgemental, because most of the people in my building are, shall we say, unkempt.  The lesson learned was that I should have trusted  my gut, my intuition.  Why don't we trust our instincts more?  You hear about it all the time, people who are abused in some way because they didn't want to come off as rude so ended up getting themselves into an unsafe situation. 

Always trust your instincts!!

Ignore-ance

A good friend and I were chatting this evening about men and how many of them would rather ignore than be honest.  Recently, someone I went to highschool with suggested that we go out for a drink sometimes, after he was unable to attend an event I had invited him too.  Now, if he didn't want to hang out, he could have just said he was busy, but he mentioned going out for a drink instead.  I waited a while to mention it again, I didn't want him to get the wrong idea.  This was a guy that I had liked in highschool, but a lot has changed in the past 10 years and I wouldn't think of him in that capacity now.  To me, this was literally going to be what it was, two people meeting for a drink to catch up.  It wasn't until he began ignoring  me (I didn't ask him why he wasn't responding, I figured it out on my own) that I realized two things.  1. He probably thought I was interested in him on more than a friend level and 2. He probably didn't want to hang out in the first place but was just trying to be polite.  Apparently, his politeness backfired on him, because it isn't making him seem very "polite" now. 

Since when did honesty become a bad thing?  I would much rather someone tell me "Sorry, I'm busy" and leave it at that, then have someone try to make me feel better only to make me feel worse later.  What started out as a simple thing was turned into quite an annoyance, because as girls we obssess.  Did I say something to give him the wrong idea?  Did he change his mind?  One way to get a girls attention is to ignore her.

Do you know what the act of ignoring is... ignorance.

Facebook Crushes

Facebook crushes are the best kinds of crushes to have.  You can swoon without ever having to worry about being obvious.  I know what you're thinking, this sounds stalkerish, right?  I'm not talking about facebook stalking.  Two TOTALLY different things.  A facebook crush's posts generally make you smile.  When they upload a new silly photo, you might experience a few butterflies.  On occassion, you may, yes, look at their page to see what they're up to.  This is not to be confused with being a facebook stalker!  If you frequent a guys page daily that you never speak to and find yourself reading every detail of his life, then you're a facebook stalker.  Unfortunately, these are the worst stalkers a person can have because we are completely unaware of them.  On the other hand, if you don't just accept any old friend request, and you have your profile set to private, then you are probably safe.

Facebook crushes are different.  My latest is an old friend of my brothers that lives a few states away.  He is always "liking" my posts, and when I read his they make me smile.  I have not seen this person since he was a child, so I can create my own idea of the man he is today soley based on what he decides to share on facebook.  There's no chance of being hurt, because I never see him face to face. 

I've had a few facebook crushes over the years.  They're fun while they last, but usually don't last too long.  I mean, eventually he will post something not to my liking and that'll be the end of that.

Horrifying

I just watched a film called "The Girl Next Door" that was based on true events.  It was about two girls whose parents died in the 50's. They go to live with their Aunt who is sadistic.  She assults them both, torturing one of them indescribably!  It had me in tears, knowing that this actually happened (or at least most of it.)  It reminded me of the book "A Child Called It" that I read on a train once while backpacking Europe.  In that case, it was the child's own mother who abused him.  How is it possible for people to be so sick and twisted?  It's bad enough that people come across strangers on a daily basis who are psychotic, but to think that some people find it within their own homes is so quite horrifying!

He MUST be gay.

A friend recently joked to me that I should give a guy a chance before I decide he is gay.  This got me thinking...  What if every time a guy was uninterested you just told yourself  "He must be gay."  Yes, it sounds rediculous, and odds are he isn't in the closet, but you never know.  If you could live in Lala Land and convince yourself that any man who was not interested in you was gay, just think of how much easier it would be.   You would never have to feel bad.  Your confidence would never dwindle. 

I had a crush on a guy a few years ago who was openly gay.  It was wonderful!  I could swoon over him knowing that nothing could ever come of it, but also knowing that it had absulutely, positively nothing to do with me.

Besides the fact that using this method causes one to be completely removed from reality, I'm quite enclined to start!

Online *cough* Dating

Yup, it's time to discuss the dreaded topic of online dating.  Most of us single girls have tried it before, most of us single girls don't like to admit that we have tried it before.  I have only met 1 man online that turned into any kind of "relationship."  It was a few years ago while I was living in TX.  We are still friends today.  I also have a met a few guys that I have stayed in touch with over the years on a friend level.  But for the most part, my online dating experience have been horendous!  The worst was about 8 years ago when a "date" shot up in front of me.  Yes, you read that right. (Hope Mom isn't reading this).  There was also the guy who showed me his gun collection on the 2nd date...

No matter how careful you try to be...

I know online dating has worked for many people, but I have to say I have had some very bad luck!  I'm to the point in my life where I'm not really that motivated to try to meet men.  I figure, if one pops up out of the blue, cool.  Otherwise, I guess I will remain single.

I say this now, but know that in a month I could get bored...

For All You Fashionistas

Today I would just like to share something with all of you gals out there.  I came across the following site the other day.  It has fun vintage-inspired clothing at affordable prices, in practically ALL sizes.  Check it out:

http://www.chicstar.com/

Can Men and Women Truly Be Friends?

Not long ago I found myself engaging in a more than "friend"ly activity with a guy I have been friends with for many, many years.  I was shocked and did not know what to think of it.  Before I could even process fully what had happened he made it clear that he wanted things to remain the same as they always had been between us.  Now, I know this does not happen with all heterosexual male/female relationships, but in thinking more on the subject something occured to me.

I have never had a heterosexual male friend that either a. I at one point had considered more or b. He at one point had considered more.  Is this truly just friendship if one of the parties feels more for the other? 

Of course there are exceptions.  Your friends boyfriends and husbands can become your friends, but have you ever noticed how you are much more cautious of any and ALL physical contact with them?

Can men and women ever truly "just" be friends?

Young at Heart

Today, whilst in the supermarket wearing the Gizmo winter hat my mother got me for Christmas, a teenage girl asked me if my hat was a cow.  Yup, a cow.  This made me feel veerrryy old!  It also made me realize that not only was I wearing a Gizmo hat, but I was wearing Animal (The Muppet) mittens and an animal purse.  I have received many compliments on my hat, and was complimented just yesterday on my bag.  What's funny is, the people complimenting me were older women who lets just say were dressed very conservatively.  It made me wonder if that many of us are really still young at heart, but afraid to show it.

Let me clarify that I do feel there is a difference between older women being nostalgic, and women who don't "dress their age".  Even though, personally, I don't give a damn what someone is wearing.  I would prefer they be wearing something though in public.  Sometimes we see people who don't appear to be entirely dressed.  Anyway, getting off topic...

I realized that my fashion style really changes drastically according to my mood.  Some days I wish I could put on a vintage dress, some vintage gloves, and head off to work.  Other days I am feeling more classy, I feel like dressing as if I were headed to the excecutives office.  And then there are those days that I just want to put on my E.T. tee-shirt and chucks and head out the door.  Luckily, my job allows me to do this, somewhat.  I may have to save the E.T. shirt for Friday, but I could probably get away with it any day of the week.

People obviously use fashion as a way to express themselves, I seem to use it as a way to express my mood.  I guess you could call me a fashion chameleon. 

Men Have Insecurities Too

A great thing to remember whilst out in the world is that we ALL have insecurities. Some of us may have more than others, but we all have them. I recently had a guy tell me, while I was admiring his hair, that I was making him selfconscious about his widows peak (which I didn't even notice.)  Another friend of mine confided in me that his height had always been a problem from him.  We can all find something we don't like about ourselves.  "I'm too fat", "I'm too skinny", "I'm too short", "I'm too tall", "My nose is too big", "My lips are too thin"... 

Except what you consider your flaws and embrace what makes you beautiful, because there is beauty in us all.

Curves

All of my life I have struggled with being a plump girl.  Like most of us, my weight has yo yo-ed numerous times.  What I have come to accept is that no matter how often I go to the gym or what size I can squeeze into this month, I will always be a thicker girl.  Whether it be slightly thick, or pretty darn thick, it's in my genes and I need to accept it.  This blog is not going to be about glorifying being a larger girl.  I want to lead a healthy life, and at times it can be a challenge, but I keep at it.  But like I said, no matter how much we work at it, some of us are meant to be thicker.  I see some of these celebrities that have lost a great deal of weight in the tabloids, and in all honesty sometimes I think to myself "They looked better like they were before."  Some people were made to be plumper.

That being said, I would like to start my blog discussing the stigma that goes along with being a "plumper" girl.  Men are made to think that being attracted to a thicker woman is something to be embarrassed about.  Let me tell any of you younger girls out there something-  I have been hit on by MANY men of all shapes and sizes, some of them VERY attractive!  I was actually with a very attractive man a few months ago, but come to find out he was only looking for one thing.  Funny, isn't it?  I mean, he could have gone looking anywhere for sex, but he wanted it from me.  (Disclaimer: this blog is in no way going to be censored, so if you are getting nervous, best stop reading now.)  Of course, once he got what he wanted he was out the door.

Why did he leave?  We had a lot in common, got along great, were attracted to one another... One can't help but wonder if it was because he was worried what people would say if he brought the chubby girl out some time to meet the friends.

For all of you men out there, if you really are that worried about what other people will think, you are pathetic and are not worth our time.

For all of you women out there, just because he is good-looking and a charmer, doesn't mean he is a quality product!

I always viewed blogs as being self-indulgent, but my hope is that this blog will give girls of all sizes something to relate to.